Being young and in love was a dream come true. I think I have mentioned before that this was what I always wanted, to have and to hold, through all the crap and good times. I'm not one to bail on hard times, I will stick it out. I don't have a bunch of friends, but those who are, will testify that I am quite loyal. To my wife I am a trillion times more loyal. And after the honeymoon, there were hard times. I don't know what will define the "hard" times from the easy ones but there were both. I remember the simple things like me telling Gloria that I knew how to make food and we both made food different. We actually disagreed on how to make vegetable soup. Lol. Those days were simple. They also came with some hard times as well. We disagreed on how long we should wait to have children. Gloria had many good reasons for wanting to start early. I on the other hand wanted to wait because I thought we had time. Now I am glad we started early; instead of starting now. Frustrating but true.
I wanted to give my young bride everything: stability, friendship, eternal love, money. To this day the money has still eluded me. I sometimes feel like a failure for not being able to fully support Gloria financially. I wish if we had to she wouldn't have to work, but it's tight, no spare for emergencies.
Giving Gloria everything else came very naturally, and I've always done my best. I've even heard some of Gloria's friends tell her that they would like me to do lessons for other guys. That's funny because I'm not trying to be different or make others mad or jealous, I'm just doing what comes natural.
Those natural instincts have grown and I'm glad I have them. During the times and the procedures that we have gone through, I know being a donkey about things would have brought our relationship nowhere. I know Gloria has really done all the hard work as far as going through the medical "hell" and recovery. I'm the guy that sits and waits, not really knowing what I'm supposed to do and feeling more useless than ever. But when she always comes to, I will do anything. I will run around the world for what ever it is she needs. Still to this day I will do anything for her.
That's enough for now, I'm tired and there is still more hours in the day to go. I'm frustrated and I'm bushed. :) More later.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A New Life and No Money...
I think I left off last talking about our honeymoon. The cabin was beautiful, the food wonderful, and our first married argument was interesting.:) Ironically, it was about future children. That was one issue where Nathan and I couldn't seem to to come to an agreement. His parents had waited 5 years before starting a family, and that thought was appealing to him as well. Why rush into things that we had our whole lives to do? That was Nathan's reasoning.
I wanted children immediately, because I didn't want to waste any time. My fertility was starting to be questioned by my gynecologist, and I didn't want to take any chances. My periods were still incredibly painful, and I didn't want to complicate issues by waiting to have a baby. Besides, if I waited 5 years who knew how much worse things would get and how many fertility drugs/procedures/surgeries I would have to endure.
Nathan and I finally agreed to just not discuss it for six months and I would go on birth control. Besides, right after our honeymoon I was told I would need a surgery to properly assess my situation. All the ultrasounds hadn't showed anything, but yet I kept coming to the ER for pain meds. My gynecologist decided that exploratory surgery was needed to try and find the problem.
So, 2 months after our wedding, I had my first surgery. If I had known all that lay ahead I would have shriveled in a corner and crawled under the bed and simply stayed there for life. I guess it's a good thing that we can't see into our future. We'd shake in our boots!
We went to Winnipeg,MB to the hospital where my gynecologist did his procedures. It was to be a simple procedure with no more than an hour or so in the operating room. I was afraid and Nathan was a little nervous. We had no idea what to expect as far as what the result would be, favorable or not. My biggest fear was that something would be very wrong and my imagination went everywhere. I had wonderful nurses, both for pre and post surgery. I spoke and laughed with them, and told a senior OR nurse how young she looked. I had this funny idea that if I was nice to them, they would take better care of me. :) It's kind of silly, because i myself was working in health care at the time and I could have known that they would take good care of me, no matter what. But, it was a way to distract myself from the panic that I felt building up way down deep inside. It was hard for Nathan to watch strangers take his new bride away into an OR where he couldn't be present and where he felt so helpless. To some, it might seem like no big deal, but for us as newlyweds it seemed like a pretty big hurdle.
I've always hated needles, and if I had known the hundreds of needles that were to come, I just wouldn't have started at all. For surgery,I needed an IV for my anesthesia and that was a scary thing all by itself. Around 4 that afternoon, I finally woke up from my surgery. The surgeon came almost immediately to speak with us. The doctor told us that they had cut several adhesions and that they had found mild endometriosis. This medical jargon was mostly unfamiliar to us, but the doctor was very good at explaining everything and even showing us pictures of their findings. I was still hopped up on morphine, and didn't remember much by the time I got home.
I started to research endometriosis and what it meant, during the 2 weeks that I spent recovering. Even mild endo didn't sound good, and it certainly explained the awful monthly pain. Apparently, mild endo was enough to affect your fertility and throw your whole cycle off course. The good news was that if caught early enough, it sounded like it could be suppressed by using a mild pill form of birth control. Of course, as soon as I would go off the pill, it was just as likely to return. The longer it would take me to get pregnant, the more of a foothold the disease would get. Since, it was determined that I had endo, it was assumed that it would take me quite a bit longer to become pregnant, making the spread of endo almost inevitable. What a vicious cycle this looked like to me.
It scared me, and I started to wonder what I was being punished for. I couldn't believe it, after all, I was only 20 years old and a newlywed. This was supposed to be the best time of my life. Very quickly, my little inkling that I might struggle to conceive became an ultimate reality. My doctor told us to seriously consider starting a family immediately. Reason being that it seemed that pregnancy often seemed to suppress endometriosis permanently, but if left to continue it could render my uterus unable to sustain a pregnancy after a relatively short number of years.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with this disease I would advise you to research it online. There are countless articles on it, and like I said it's hard to explain. I will sign off for now, as I must confess that writing all this down brings back many memories and feelings that I haven't even thought about for a long time. For the sake of my emotions and the fact that I need to fix dinner without the added ingredient of salty tears probably means that this is enough for today. Thank you for reading.
I wanted children immediately, because I didn't want to waste any time. My fertility was starting to be questioned by my gynecologist, and I didn't want to take any chances. My periods were still incredibly painful, and I didn't want to complicate issues by waiting to have a baby. Besides, if I waited 5 years who knew how much worse things would get and how many fertility drugs/procedures/surgeries I would have to endure.
Nathan and I finally agreed to just not discuss it for six months and I would go on birth control. Besides, right after our honeymoon I was told I would need a surgery to properly assess my situation. All the ultrasounds hadn't showed anything, but yet I kept coming to the ER for pain meds. My gynecologist decided that exploratory surgery was needed to try and find the problem.
So, 2 months after our wedding, I had my first surgery. If I had known all that lay ahead I would have shriveled in a corner and crawled under the bed and simply stayed there for life. I guess it's a good thing that we can't see into our future. We'd shake in our boots!
We went to Winnipeg,MB to the hospital where my gynecologist did his procedures. It was to be a simple procedure with no more than an hour or so in the operating room. I was afraid and Nathan was a little nervous. We had no idea what to expect as far as what the result would be, favorable or not. My biggest fear was that something would be very wrong and my imagination went everywhere. I had wonderful nurses, both for pre and post surgery. I spoke and laughed with them, and told a senior OR nurse how young she looked. I had this funny idea that if I was nice to them, they would take better care of me. :) It's kind of silly, because i myself was working in health care at the time and I could have known that they would take good care of me, no matter what. But, it was a way to distract myself from the panic that I felt building up way down deep inside. It was hard for Nathan to watch strangers take his new bride away into an OR where he couldn't be present and where he felt so helpless. To some, it might seem like no big deal, but for us as newlyweds it seemed like a pretty big hurdle.
I've always hated needles, and if I had known the hundreds of needles that were to come, I just wouldn't have started at all. For surgery,I needed an IV for my anesthesia and that was a scary thing all by itself. Around 4 that afternoon, I finally woke up from my surgery. The surgeon came almost immediately to speak with us. The doctor told us that they had cut several adhesions and that they had found mild endometriosis. This medical jargon was mostly unfamiliar to us, but the doctor was very good at explaining everything and even showing us pictures of their findings. I was still hopped up on morphine, and didn't remember much by the time I got home.
I started to research endometriosis and what it meant, during the 2 weeks that I spent recovering. Even mild endo didn't sound good, and it certainly explained the awful monthly pain. Apparently, mild endo was enough to affect your fertility and throw your whole cycle off course. The good news was that if caught early enough, it sounded like it could be suppressed by using a mild pill form of birth control. Of course, as soon as I would go off the pill, it was just as likely to return. The longer it would take me to get pregnant, the more of a foothold the disease would get. Since, it was determined that I had endo, it was assumed that it would take me quite a bit longer to become pregnant, making the spread of endo almost inevitable. What a vicious cycle this looked like to me.
It scared me, and I started to wonder what I was being punished for. I couldn't believe it, after all, I was only 20 years old and a newlywed. This was supposed to be the best time of my life. Very quickly, my little inkling that I might struggle to conceive became an ultimate reality. My doctor told us to seriously consider starting a family immediately. Reason being that it seemed that pregnancy often seemed to suppress endometriosis permanently, but if left to continue it could render my uterus unable to sustain a pregnancy after a relatively short number of years.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with this disease I would advise you to research it online. There are countless articles on it, and like I said it's hard to explain. I will sign off for now, as I must confess that writing all this down brings back many memories and feelings that I haven't even thought about for a long time. For the sake of my emotions and the fact that I need to fix dinner without the added ingredient of salty tears probably means that this is enough for today. Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Weddings and Things...
This is certainly all dragging out a lot longer than I had expected, but I hope you will be patient and bare with us.
After several meaningful talks between Nathan and myself, we announced our engagement in September 2005. Even though emotionally and physically speaking I was not well a lot of the time, Nathan asked me to marry him anyway. We were thrust into wedding plans and a ten month long engagement that never seemed to end.
Oh what a strange engagement it was, for Nathan especially! I had no idea how to communicate with him properly, for some reason I thought I had no choice but to agree with him on everything. Than I would feel resentment and become incredibly internal for days, till he finally told me "to come out from under the bed" so to speak and talk to him about the things that were bothering me.
While I felt that our engagement was the right thing for me to do, I struggled deeply within myself to be excited and happy about our forthcoming wedding. Since I was an expert at pretending by then, I kept smiling and telling everyone that "yes, it is VERY exciting...yes Nathan IS a wonderful man...Yes, we couldn't be MORE perfect for each other." And on and on and on. I felt a lot of pressure from other areas to be a certain way, I never knew who I really was anymore.
One day....about 2 months before the wedding, I told Nathan that I didn't want to get married after all. I called my mother and told her the wedding was off and that I didn't know what I would do with all the invitations that had already been sent out. Nathan was devastated, but in his calm manner, he took what I said and went for a drive. I remember the worst part for me was seeing the tears in his eyes as he drove away. I felt terrible for hurting him so badly, but I thought this would be the best. To save Nathan from me, and he would thank me later. I hated how he could see through my charades and "tough girl" act. I hated how he could call my bluff and completely see through me when I wouldn't tell him the truth about how I was feeling. AND....I was scared at that point that babies might not be in the cards for me because of what the docs were starting to say. I thought Nathan would be better off with someone that had a perfect little uterus and could give him 20 children if he wanted that.
BUT...I loved the safety and security that seemed to be awaiting me when I was with Nathan. As wonderful as Nathan was, I was waiting for the day when I would have to "pay him back" for all the amazing things that he had been in my life. Oh, that was frustrating for Nathan, to have to reassure me every single time that he did something for me that he wasn't out for anything except to win my love. His patience and persistent nudging that we were meant to be did win out in the end and the wedding date remained.
Often, we talk about the groom being the one with the cold feet on their wedding day, not at this wedding! I went through all the motions of getting ready that morning, May 6,2006. Every few minutes I was having second thoughts and all I wanted to do was run away and hide. Rehearsal had been hard, I dragged myself down the aisle and fled as soon as it was over and collapsed in tears on the front porch of the beautiful building.
We did have a beautiful wedding though, with 200 family and friends in attendance. People told me I was beautiful and that I was a lucky girl. Blessings and kind words were heaped on our heads. Hugs and kisses all around. It was a party in the true sense of the word, and it was a lovely spring day.
My siblings cried when I left in the limo that evening with Nathan, we were all so incredibly attached to each other and I think we still are. The funny thing is, that whole day, I didn't shed a single tear. Everything felt like it was just speeding by and I was just going along with it. Although I knew that marrying Nathan was the right thing for us, I just couldn't feel anywhere that it was the right thing for us. Such is a classic symptom of depression and I came to recognize it as such.
We had a beautiful honeymoon and the funniest thing of all was, around the third or fourth day, we were both miserable because we missed our families! We looked at each other and couldn't believe how homesick we were! Nathan and I both expressed our feeling of being homesick and when it was out in the open everything was fine. It was the first of a thousand conversations that I would learn to be honest about my emotions to Nathan.
After several meaningful talks between Nathan and myself, we announced our engagement in September 2005. Even though emotionally and physically speaking I was not well a lot of the time, Nathan asked me to marry him anyway. We were thrust into wedding plans and a ten month long engagement that never seemed to end.
Oh what a strange engagement it was, for Nathan especially! I had no idea how to communicate with him properly, for some reason I thought I had no choice but to agree with him on everything. Than I would feel resentment and become incredibly internal for days, till he finally told me "to come out from under the bed" so to speak and talk to him about the things that were bothering me.
While I felt that our engagement was the right thing for me to do, I struggled deeply within myself to be excited and happy about our forthcoming wedding. Since I was an expert at pretending by then, I kept smiling and telling everyone that "yes, it is VERY exciting...yes Nathan IS a wonderful man...Yes, we couldn't be MORE perfect for each other." And on and on and on. I felt a lot of pressure from other areas to be a certain way, I never knew who I really was anymore.
One day....about 2 months before the wedding, I told Nathan that I didn't want to get married after all. I called my mother and told her the wedding was off and that I didn't know what I would do with all the invitations that had already been sent out. Nathan was devastated, but in his calm manner, he took what I said and went for a drive. I remember the worst part for me was seeing the tears in his eyes as he drove away. I felt terrible for hurting him so badly, but I thought this would be the best. To save Nathan from me, and he would thank me later. I hated how he could see through my charades and "tough girl" act. I hated how he could call my bluff and completely see through me when I wouldn't tell him the truth about how I was feeling. AND....I was scared at that point that babies might not be in the cards for me because of what the docs were starting to say. I thought Nathan would be better off with someone that had a perfect little uterus and could give him 20 children if he wanted that.
BUT...I loved the safety and security that seemed to be awaiting me when I was with Nathan. As wonderful as Nathan was, I was waiting for the day when I would have to "pay him back" for all the amazing things that he had been in my life. Oh, that was frustrating for Nathan, to have to reassure me every single time that he did something for me that he wasn't out for anything except to win my love. His patience and persistent nudging that we were meant to be did win out in the end and the wedding date remained.
Often, we talk about the groom being the one with the cold feet on their wedding day, not at this wedding! I went through all the motions of getting ready that morning, May 6,2006. Every few minutes I was having second thoughts and all I wanted to do was run away and hide. Rehearsal had been hard, I dragged myself down the aisle and fled as soon as it was over and collapsed in tears on the front porch of the beautiful building.
We did have a beautiful wedding though, with 200 family and friends in attendance. People told me I was beautiful and that I was a lucky girl. Blessings and kind words were heaped on our heads. Hugs and kisses all around. It was a party in the true sense of the word, and it was a lovely spring day.
My siblings cried when I left in the limo that evening with Nathan, we were all so incredibly attached to each other and I think we still are. The funny thing is, that whole day, I didn't shed a single tear. Everything felt like it was just speeding by and I was just going along with it. Although I knew that marrying Nathan was the right thing for us, I just couldn't feel anywhere that it was the right thing for us. Such is a classic symptom of depression and I came to recognize it as such.
We had a beautiful honeymoon and the funniest thing of all was, around the third or fourth day, we were both miserable because we missed our families! We looked at each other and couldn't believe how homesick we were! Nathan and I both expressed our feeling of being homesick and when it was out in the open everything was fine. It was the first of a thousand conversations that I would learn to be honest about my emotions to Nathan.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Falling in Love (Nathan)
Falling in love was a dream come true. I believe that Gloria and I are together for a reason and not just by chance.
I have never really dated anyone before Gloria, I had a bunch of friends that were girls and we hung out a lot. But never anything official. I had some very good friends and we did have some one on one time and maybe some would call that a date, but I wouldn't. And I had never kissed a girl.
The day I met Gloria was a day that was like many others. Me and a friend were hanging out and we went to go meet one of her friends that worked at Thornview. Gloria was wearing her work uniform and her hair was long and curly (down to the middle of her back). She wasn't wearing any makeup, and she was very pretty. We exchanged the regular "Hey" and shook hands. Her hands were small and delicate, especially for being a farm girl. This happened in the summer.
Come fall, I found out that Gloria was also attending the same youth group I was. The Glencross church was not my home church but because the church was so close and I had a ton of friends there; that's where I went. Gloria and I for some odd reason connected well, on a good friend basis. I was surprised, because she was a beautiful girl and knew how to dress. I'm positive that if she would have been in public school she would have been in the popular crowd. Still she and I became best of friends. We confided in each other, keeping each other accountable and talking about many things from boy/girl friends to God stuff. Just to keep people guessing, Gloria and I loved to flirt. We had so much fun flirting. I helped her put on her jacket (the gorgeous bomber jacket), helped her with her truck, and put my arm around her. Even our first date was for fun. Too bad I never got a kiss out of that (lol). Like I mentioned, we were the best of friends and I never thought of Gloria as more than my best friend.
That is when it hit me, how stunning she was. It was like a Wednesday or Thursday evening, I think, and I get a call from Gloria. She begins to inform me that one of her close friends backed out of going to this ceremony and she wanted to have some close people there! Her parents happened to be working that evening so she was pretty much alone. I asked if anyone else was going and she said there would be another girl going and I thought there couldn't be much better than dressing up and going to a party with a couple of girls. Gloria pulls up to the house in her pick up truck and she tells me she wants me to drive. Her dress was getting in the way. She steps out and POW... she is drop dead gorgeous. I didn't even know if anyone else existed. She wore a beautiful open backed princess dress. We drove to Winnipeg and she was stunning. I was so proud of her finishing college, there were a lot of picture that the other girl and I took pictures of. After the ceremony there was supposed to be a reception that the college was putting on. We were disgusted. They had bite sized sandwichthssss (Honey that one is for you). We wanted a good meal to enjoy. So we went outside and decided to take some grad pictures. The other girl took them and we posed. As we found out later when my parents saw those pictures they knew we'd get together. After an array of beautiful shots we all went for supper at the Olive Garden. We had lots of laughs and filled our bellies. To have a little more fun we decided to drive down to Coreydon ave and walk around there for a bit. The walk was eventful and we had so much fun. We ended up dancing under the stars and wow! The drive home was filled with singing and laughing and holding hands. I was ecstatic and loved the way Gloria makes me feel.
What a night!
Followed by many days of being twitterpated. I was starry eyed and walked with my feet off the ground. It even came to the point where I braved asking my best friend to court me. Lucky for me she gave me a chance. It all happened one cold and rainy weekend when Gloria needed a ride home from a music festival. I gladly drove to pick her up and we went for a couple of hot chocolates. We were talking and she squeesed it out of me that I had romantic feelings for her. Which was promptly followed by her giving me a book to fend me off. Over the weekend I waited for her answer and she sought council from God and respected people. Like I said it was meant to be.
The dates/courtship/engagement I'll leave for Gloria to express. I've probably written too much already... lol oh well.
Gloria is my passion so that is what I'm best at writing about. :) Lucky me.
I have never really dated anyone before Gloria, I had a bunch of friends that were girls and we hung out a lot. But never anything official. I had some very good friends and we did have some one on one time and maybe some would call that a date, but I wouldn't. And I had never kissed a girl.
The day I met Gloria was a day that was like many others. Me and a friend were hanging out and we went to go meet one of her friends that worked at Thornview. Gloria was wearing her work uniform and her hair was long and curly (down to the middle of her back). She wasn't wearing any makeup, and she was very pretty. We exchanged the regular "Hey" and shook hands. Her hands were small and delicate, especially for being a farm girl. This happened in the summer.
Come fall, I found out that Gloria was also attending the same youth group I was. The Glencross church was not my home church but because the church was so close and I had a ton of friends there; that's where I went. Gloria and I for some odd reason connected well, on a good friend basis. I was surprised, because she was a beautiful girl and knew how to dress. I'm positive that if she would have been in public school she would have been in the popular crowd. Still she and I became best of friends. We confided in each other, keeping each other accountable and talking about many things from boy/girl friends to God stuff. Just to keep people guessing, Gloria and I loved to flirt. We had so much fun flirting. I helped her put on her jacket (the gorgeous bomber jacket), helped her with her truck, and put my arm around her. Even our first date was for fun. Too bad I never got a kiss out of that (lol). Like I mentioned, we were the best of friends and I never thought of Gloria as more than my best friend.
That is when it hit me, how stunning she was. It was like a Wednesday or Thursday evening, I think, and I get a call from Gloria. She begins to inform me that one of her close friends backed out of going to this ceremony and she wanted to have some close people there! Her parents happened to be working that evening so she was pretty much alone. I asked if anyone else was going and she said there would be another girl going and I thought there couldn't be much better than dressing up and going to a party with a couple of girls. Gloria pulls up to the house in her pick up truck and she tells me she wants me to drive. Her dress was getting in the way. She steps out and POW... she is drop dead gorgeous. I didn't even know if anyone else existed. She wore a beautiful open backed princess dress. We drove to Winnipeg and she was stunning. I was so proud of her finishing college, there were a lot of picture that the other girl and I took pictures of. After the ceremony there was supposed to be a reception that the college was putting on. We were disgusted. They had bite sized sandwichthssss (Honey that one is for you). We wanted a good meal to enjoy. So we went outside and decided to take some grad pictures. The other girl took them and we posed. As we found out later when my parents saw those pictures they knew we'd get together. After an array of beautiful shots we all went for supper at the Olive Garden. We had lots of laughs and filled our bellies. To have a little more fun we decided to drive down to Coreydon ave and walk around there for a bit. The walk was eventful and we had so much fun. We ended up dancing under the stars and wow! The drive home was filled with singing and laughing and holding hands. I was ecstatic and loved the way Gloria makes me feel.
What a night!
Followed by many days of being twitterpated. I was starry eyed and walked with my feet off the ground. It even came to the point where I braved asking my best friend to court me. Lucky for me she gave me a chance. It all happened one cold and rainy weekend when Gloria needed a ride home from a music festival. I gladly drove to pick her up and we went for a couple of hot chocolates. We were talking and she squeesed it out of me that I had romantic feelings for her. Which was promptly followed by her giving me a book to fend me off. Over the weekend I waited for her answer and she sought council from God and respected people. Like I said it was meant to be.
The dates/courtship/engagement I'll leave for Gloria to express. I've probably written too much already... lol oh well.
Gloria is my passion so that is what I'm best at writing about. :) Lucky me.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Falling in Love....(Gloria's Side)
There are so many songs that speak of living, laughing and most of all, loving. I really think that there are 2 universal languages. Love and of course, music.
Millions of dollars have gone into the recording and productions of great and classical love stories. Stories and songs about love at first sight, finding love, love leaving you, hearts mended by love and sadly, hearts broken by love.
Love can be the greatest and worst thing all at the same time, especially if it is true love. I think I'm still learning what that is. We will probably be learning about that our whole life.
Nathan and I met when we were 16 and 17 years of age. I think I already mentioned that it was through a church youth group in a previous post. I remember one of the first things that I thought after meeting Nathan was..."nice guy, horrible clothes, dreadful toque, but a really nice guy!" Nathan has told me many times since that he just hated it if girls would tell him he "was a really nice guy." He was pretty sure that was their cop-out for turning him down if he asked for a date. Nathan says there's nothing worse than when a girl says that.
I was in a different relationship at the time, and so there was nothing between us at that point but great friendship. In fact, we often confided in each other about different things and sought advice from each other on different issues as good friends will do. Our first "date" ever (and I say "date" because it wasn't a real date) was a Christmas youth banquet and we both needed someone to go with. I was at the tail end of a relationship nightmare and wasn't interested in dating anymore. However, Nathan suggested we go as friends and that it would be more fun than me going by myself. It was a beautiful banquet, but we were just friends having a good time.
That winter was a difficult one for me, I struggled with depression and loneliness a lot of the time. I was constantly overworking myself. I lost my appetite and barely ate enough to get by. Many people will respond to stress by overeating, I was on the complete other side of that spectrum. The more stressed I was, the less I ate. My physical health was starting to deteriorate, as a result of all the stresses around me and I started to feel caged and trapped.
It was around this time, that on one of my monthly ER visits, that I was recommended to see a gynecologist. The pain in my uterus was lasting for days at a time, and it was simply becoming debilitating. However, the wait to see the gynecologist was long...many months in fact. If I remember correctly, I waited nearly a year on the waiting list before an appointment became available.
The winter did pass and spring came. I graduated from college that spring with a certificate in health care. I was offered a job immediately at the Boundary Trails Health Center, and I started a new chapter of my life.
It was shortly after my college grad that Nathan came to me with a confession. We can all guess what it was. He wanted to be more than friends, and take our friendship to the next level. I will never forget that day..I laugh when I look back now. I tried everything in my power to scare him off. I didn't want to date him, I wanted us to keep what we had, a wonderful friendship in which I felt safe and free to be me. My previous relationship had left me with very little confidence in myself and my abilities to trust many of the opposite sex.
I didn't want to hurt Nathan, I loved him dearly as a friend, but I wasn't interested in being his girlfriend. I just knew it would fall apart really quickly and than he would never want to be my friend again. I gave him a book to read the day he asked me out, which was supposed to scare him away. Nathan took the book home, promptly started reading and called me an hour later saying, "I think this book is great! We should definitely try to have relationship the way this book says!" I gulped and weakly said, "Really?" I told him I needed time. He said that was no problem, he had all the time in the world. Of course he did.
In the end, of course I said yes. I told him I was willing to see if we could make it work. Looking back, I pity him immensely. I was one reluctant girl. I was so scared that he would leave once he saw all my flaws, that I never actually allowed myself to fall in love with him. I knew he was a wonderful person and someone that I could spend my whole life with, but I was waiting for that day when he would tell me that I just wasn't good enough.
We were engaged pretty quickly with a year long engagement. There was plenty of time for Nathan to get to know me for who I really was. A scared, not confident girl who just pretended to make sure other people wouldn't see how much she was hurting inside. Depression had settled in and I took medication regularly for it. in fact, it was six months into our engagement before I finally told Nathan that I hardly ever ate anything. When I was around other people I would eat just enough so that they wouldn't notice. All right, that's enough for now.. will continue later.
Millions of dollars have gone into the recording and productions of great and classical love stories. Stories and songs about love at first sight, finding love, love leaving you, hearts mended by love and sadly, hearts broken by love.
Love can be the greatest and worst thing all at the same time, especially if it is true love. I think I'm still learning what that is. We will probably be learning about that our whole life.
Nathan and I met when we were 16 and 17 years of age. I think I already mentioned that it was through a church youth group in a previous post. I remember one of the first things that I thought after meeting Nathan was..."nice guy, horrible clothes, dreadful toque, but a really nice guy!" Nathan has told me many times since that he just hated it if girls would tell him he "was a really nice guy." He was pretty sure that was their cop-out for turning him down if he asked for a date. Nathan says there's nothing worse than when a girl says that.
I was in a different relationship at the time, and so there was nothing between us at that point but great friendship. In fact, we often confided in each other about different things and sought advice from each other on different issues as good friends will do. Our first "date" ever (and I say "date" because it wasn't a real date) was a Christmas youth banquet and we both needed someone to go with. I was at the tail end of a relationship nightmare and wasn't interested in dating anymore. However, Nathan suggested we go as friends and that it would be more fun than me going by myself. It was a beautiful banquet, but we were just friends having a good time.
That winter was a difficult one for me, I struggled with depression and loneliness a lot of the time. I was constantly overworking myself. I lost my appetite and barely ate enough to get by. Many people will respond to stress by overeating, I was on the complete other side of that spectrum. The more stressed I was, the less I ate. My physical health was starting to deteriorate, as a result of all the stresses around me and I started to feel caged and trapped.
It was around this time, that on one of my monthly ER visits, that I was recommended to see a gynecologist. The pain in my uterus was lasting for days at a time, and it was simply becoming debilitating. However, the wait to see the gynecologist was long...many months in fact. If I remember correctly, I waited nearly a year on the waiting list before an appointment became available.
The winter did pass and spring came. I graduated from college that spring with a certificate in health care. I was offered a job immediately at the Boundary Trails Health Center, and I started a new chapter of my life.
It was shortly after my college grad that Nathan came to me with a confession. We can all guess what it was. He wanted to be more than friends, and take our friendship to the next level. I will never forget that day..I laugh when I look back now. I tried everything in my power to scare him off. I didn't want to date him, I wanted us to keep what we had, a wonderful friendship in which I felt safe and free to be me. My previous relationship had left me with very little confidence in myself and my abilities to trust many of the opposite sex.
I didn't want to hurt Nathan, I loved him dearly as a friend, but I wasn't interested in being his girlfriend. I just knew it would fall apart really quickly and than he would never want to be my friend again. I gave him a book to read the day he asked me out, which was supposed to scare him away. Nathan took the book home, promptly started reading and called me an hour later saying, "I think this book is great! We should definitely try to have relationship the way this book says!" I gulped and weakly said, "Really?" I told him I needed time. He said that was no problem, he had all the time in the world. Of course he did.
In the end, of course I said yes. I told him I was willing to see if we could make it work. Looking back, I pity him immensely. I was one reluctant girl. I was so scared that he would leave once he saw all my flaws, that I never actually allowed myself to fall in love with him. I knew he was a wonderful person and someone that I could spend my whole life with, but I was waiting for that day when he would tell me that I just wasn't good enough.
We were engaged pretty quickly with a year long engagement. There was plenty of time for Nathan to get to know me for who I really was. A scared, not confident girl who just pretended to make sure other people wouldn't see how much she was hurting inside. Depression had settled in and I took medication regularly for it. in fact, it was six months into our engagement before I finally told Nathan that I hardly ever ate anything. When I was around other people I would eat just enough so that they wouldn't notice. All right, that's enough for now.. will continue later.
How We Got Started....Part 2
Well, you have now seen a side to both of us, and we want to continue the story. I, Gloria, am writing this piece. I spoke in my last post a bit about how laughter was my friend and my enemy. I also spoke of my love for my family. I'm going to continue there.....
I'll not forget the day easily, and I remember that it was in August. My Mum had just told me that there would be a new member joining our family the coming March. I was shocked to the core. A new baby? I was 7 when my youngest sister was born, and when I was 9 and 10, I wanted another baby in the house! At 15, I was old enough (physically speaking) to have my own babies. I just never thought that there would ever be another baby in the house! And so goes a teenagers thinking. I was old enough to clearly understand understand the whole process, and it just seemed plain weird to me that Mom and Dad would want more kids! I mean, good heavens, wasn't 3 loud, crazy daughters enough for anyone? I'm sure my Dad was plenty relieved when the doc announced a boy. I'm sure Mum and Dad found my attitude towards it all a but amusing.
Not only that, I had decided as a young teen that I didn't want to get married till much later in life and I was not going to be a baby machine for any man! LOL! I was all about equality (I think I still am in many ways) and i firmly believed that what any man could do, a woman could also. I certainly was not going to be somebody's live in housekeeper and maid. Many girls at that age dream of a future wedding, and fantasize of future romance. Not me. I wasn't going to be anybody's doormat. Thank the Lord I have learned a few things about marriage since then. I wanted a career and I promised myself that I would make a lot of money and never have to worry about finances. I saw so many people stress over money and I didn't want to be one of them. As I said in an earlier post, I was a very stubborn and independent person. I actually wanted to be different from other girls, I wanted to stand out and do everything one better and be the best all the time. As a young teen, I put a boatload of pressure on my shoulders to be perfect. I wanted to be as perfect as possible and most of all make my Dad proud. What he thought of me meant everything.
On March 7 of the next year, my little brother came into the world. We promptly and instantaneously fell in love and that was that. We spent many nights together, as I rocked him, fed him and walked the floor with him at 3 AM. He was a difficult sleeper and it took the combined efforts of the whole family to get any sleep. In fact, just the other day, my little bro and I were talking about when he was a baby, and I told him he should be grateful that I had changed hundreds of his dirty diapers. He looked at me and said,"Well, thats probably why I love you so much!" Invest in the dirty diapers of babies, and you will have unconditional love for a lifetime...lol.
At that point in my life, I still wasn't very interested in ever having a husband or babies. Husbands left their dirty socks on the floor, and babies cried all night. I kept that mentality even through future boyfriends and my later teenage years. I had my dreams set on a career in healthcare or music. I loved and still love both.
At the age of 18, I had sworn off men and any sort of dating due to an unfortunate and bad experience. I was not happy and was often unwell from all the stress that was around me and all the extra pressure I put on myself. At 18, I was in college full time and worked 2 part time jobs. Most of that was so I could keep busy and forget the boy that had stomped on my heart.
I always find it interesting how different things at different ages become a big deal for us. At 13, it was when the boy I liked didn't call me on my birthday. At 15, the new baby and my "strange" parents. At 16 and 17, more relationship/boyfriend/friend worries. It is often easy for grownups to dismiss the concerns and traumas of their teen because it is just not that big of a deal. Of course it's not that big of a deal to adults because it just seems that there are way bigger problems than laying in bed crying over a boy!
Pretty early in my teen years, I began to become a bit uneasy about my fertility as some things just didn't feel right to me. Perhaps it is for this very reason that I convinced myself early on that I didn't ever want babies.
This is fairly personal information and while I am completely comfortable sharing it, I hope that whether you are a man or a woman, you will be comfortable reading it. I've always thought that men and women should be more open about these things anyway and I know there are a few men that are following this story...:)
Around the age of 15, my menstrual cycles began to completely fall apart. Unpredictable cycle lengths and incredibly painful periods became a part of pretty much my every day life. Even then, at 15, I felt that something wasn't right. Every time that I would get near the end of my cycle, that awful burning pain would spread through my uterus and down my legs to the point that all I could do was lay in bed and cry. At that point, the doctors said that I just had an unpredictable cycle, but that it was likely to settle down after awhile. It didn't, in fact it only got worse as the years wore on. Tylenol 3's with codeine, and Naproxen, a strong muscle relaxant were prescribed. I would simply breathe with relief when they would finally start to kick in to effect.
By the time Nathan and I were engaged in 2005, he was bringing me to the ER every month to get a Demoral shot to control the pain. He would take me back to his parents house and I would lay on the couch gritting my teeth as these awful pains just seemed to slice through my uterus.
I'll not forget the day easily, and I remember that it was in August. My Mum had just told me that there would be a new member joining our family the coming March. I was shocked to the core. A new baby? I was 7 when my youngest sister was born, and when I was 9 and 10, I wanted another baby in the house! At 15, I was old enough (physically speaking) to have my own babies. I just never thought that there would ever be another baby in the house! And so goes a teenagers thinking. I was old enough to clearly understand understand the whole process, and it just seemed plain weird to me that Mom and Dad would want more kids! I mean, good heavens, wasn't 3 loud, crazy daughters enough for anyone? I'm sure my Dad was plenty relieved when the doc announced a boy. I'm sure Mum and Dad found my attitude towards it all a but amusing.
Not only that, I had decided as a young teen that I didn't want to get married till much later in life and I was not going to be a baby machine for any man! LOL! I was all about equality (I think I still am in many ways) and i firmly believed that what any man could do, a woman could also. I certainly was not going to be somebody's live in housekeeper and maid. Many girls at that age dream of a future wedding, and fantasize of future romance. Not me. I wasn't going to be anybody's doormat. Thank the Lord I have learned a few things about marriage since then. I wanted a career and I promised myself that I would make a lot of money and never have to worry about finances. I saw so many people stress over money and I didn't want to be one of them. As I said in an earlier post, I was a very stubborn and independent person. I actually wanted to be different from other girls, I wanted to stand out and do everything one better and be the best all the time. As a young teen, I put a boatload of pressure on my shoulders to be perfect. I wanted to be as perfect as possible and most of all make my Dad proud. What he thought of me meant everything.
On March 7 of the next year, my little brother came into the world. We promptly and instantaneously fell in love and that was that. We spent many nights together, as I rocked him, fed him and walked the floor with him at 3 AM. He was a difficult sleeper and it took the combined efforts of the whole family to get any sleep. In fact, just the other day, my little bro and I were talking about when he was a baby, and I told him he should be grateful that I had changed hundreds of his dirty diapers. He looked at me and said,"Well, thats probably why I love you so much!" Invest in the dirty diapers of babies, and you will have unconditional love for a lifetime...lol.
At that point in my life, I still wasn't very interested in ever having a husband or babies. Husbands left their dirty socks on the floor, and babies cried all night. I kept that mentality even through future boyfriends and my later teenage years. I had my dreams set on a career in healthcare or music. I loved and still love both.
At the age of 18, I had sworn off men and any sort of dating due to an unfortunate and bad experience. I was not happy and was often unwell from all the stress that was around me and all the extra pressure I put on myself. At 18, I was in college full time and worked 2 part time jobs. Most of that was so I could keep busy and forget the boy that had stomped on my heart.
I always find it interesting how different things at different ages become a big deal for us. At 13, it was when the boy I liked didn't call me on my birthday. At 15, the new baby and my "strange" parents. At 16 and 17, more relationship/boyfriend/friend worries. It is often easy for grownups to dismiss the concerns and traumas of their teen because it is just not that big of a deal. Of course it's not that big of a deal to adults because it just seems that there are way bigger problems than laying in bed crying over a boy!
Pretty early in my teen years, I began to become a bit uneasy about my fertility as some things just didn't feel right to me. Perhaps it is for this very reason that I convinced myself early on that I didn't ever want babies.
This is fairly personal information and while I am completely comfortable sharing it, I hope that whether you are a man or a woman, you will be comfortable reading it. I've always thought that men and women should be more open about these things anyway and I know there are a few men that are following this story...:)
Around the age of 15, my menstrual cycles began to completely fall apart. Unpredictable cycle lengths and incredibly painful periods became a part of pretty much my every day life. Even then, at 15, I felt that something wasn't right. Every time that I would get near the end of my cycle, that awful burning pain would spread through my uterus and down my legs to the point that all I could do was lay in bed and cry. At that point, the doctors said that I just had an unpredictable cycle, but that it was likely to settle down after awhile. It didn't, in fact it only got worse as the years wore on. Tylenol 3's with codeine, and Naproxen, a strong muscle relaxant were prescribed. I would simply breathe with relief when they would finally start to kick in to effect.
By the time Nathan and I were engaged in 2005, he was bringing me to the ER every month to get a Demoral shot to control the pain. He would take me back to his parents house and I would lay on the couch gritting my teeth as these awful pains just seemed to slice through my uterus.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The other side
I (Nathan) grew up in much of the same context. Being a kid was great, and I think sometimes that has continued right on into our marriage. Gloria and I have been so close to each other through these years that we have been told that we are closer than most couples. My teen years were spent most of the time in thought... not that I was a day dreamer, but when allowed that was one of my favorite pass times. I have a poetic heart and so on the contrary to Gloria, I enjoy writing. Like Gloria said in the first post, we want to be transparent. Being transparent will hopefully allow us to heal though the hard times and hopefully come out on the other side alive. I think Gloria and I struggle with many things and some people are fairly quick to point them out. But those are some of the things that will probably be written here as well. Back to the growing up years...... one of my goals (especially in high school) was to get married. Some want to go to college, or have a specific career, first I wanted to get married and then move on to sharing life with that person. I was so fortunate to meet a smoking hot girl, who share some of the same passions as I did, and we were in many other ways opposites. There was a very passionate love that we shared, it has grown deeper, much much deeper. It kind of reminds me of a discussion I had in a group yesterday... one guy said "Love is like a tree, fidelity is the roots, and the feelings and passion are the fruits." That is what Gloria and I have been fortunate to have. I am so glad that the roots are deep! And that we have support from other peoples 'trees' to support ours. When the time came that we found out that we were going to have a baby, I was thrilled! I wanted nothing more than to make my gorgeous wife into a mother. Several weeks went by and we were so happy. And then we found out there were problems, followed by our little guy leaving. Some people were helpful in the grieving process, but there are a bunch who are not. We want people to care, and pray. But then do it. I was frustrated when people said they would pray and bring a meal. That would have been awesome. The only ones who brought a meal was our parents. I don't know who all kept us in their prayers but I know for sure there were a lot of tears. We still hurt. We long for people to just understand by not probing or preaching. We will open up when it's time and if we feel that we can trust. But not an ounce before then. Jesus is where I have taken so much of my pain. I am in a process as well and there will be more thoughts on that. But I rely on Him for my needs. I have an amazing wife and we are so close, thank you Gloria. We will keep walking this road, not alone.
Monday, October 19, 2009
How We Got Started....
In order to tell this story properly, I have to go back. In the grand scheme of things I guess it isn't that far back, it just all seems like such a blur.
I was raised in a Christ-believing family and one thing that I shared with my family for as long as I can remember is a drive and a passion for music. They say that when I was born, I cried loudly as most babies do. Honestly though, I think it was just a song in clever disguise! Thank heaven that my style of "singing" was soon to change.
When I was growing up, I was an independent child from the get go with an incredibly stubborn nature. God knew I would need it, I guess. My parents loved me, my sisters and I loved and hated each other equally. I have many good memories of my childhood, and some very unfortunate, sad ones as well. But, no matter what, I loved to laugh. Through some of the painful things that I remember from my little girl years, I also remember telling myself often that if I could just laugh, I would be okay. If I could say something funny to make someone else laugh, than that would be a very good thing. The funnier the better, the more laughing the better. If I could keep finding something to laugh about, than one day it would all be alright. It became my survival technique through many situations, but it also hid painful things from the view of eyes that I didn't trust. This habit served me well to hide many true feelings as I navigated through the rough waters of teenage life. It has also been my cover in my adult life. I mean, who's going to think that anything is wrong if you just look happy enough?
Don't get me wrong, laughter is excellent medicine for the wounded soul and I have been fortunate enough to often be able to see the funny side of something even if I am in the middle of a rolling storm. It is when you take a good thing to cover things that you should be dealing with that it becomes a problem.
I am the oldest of 4 children, and we are an interesting bunch, I will tell you that! I have 2 younger sisters and a little brother. We all adore each other, and we have been each other's lifeline more than once. I have inherited my father's innate ability to talk forever without stopping, or as my sisters call it, "preaching." My little brother is 15 years younger than I am, but we are just crazy about each other. Just today he showed my his play cell phone, and as soon as you flip it open, there's my picture surrounded with a heart. I teach him French, Spanish, how to eat new things, how to love, and in return that precious child teaches me about life. He's only 8, and most of the time, he's just that. Than other times, out of the blue, he just blows my mind with his wisdom and faith. I remember one day after we had been married about a year, he came up to me and asked me we didn't have any babies. I had learned during that year the true extent of my fertility issues and my heart just broke when he asked me that. I sat down with him, and told him that I didn't know why I didn't have babies but that if he wanted to help he could pray that a baby would find it's way to us. My mother says that he prayed every night till I became pregnant this past summer. However, the day he learned that our baby had gone to Heaven, he was back at it again. Asking God to "please let Gloria and Nathan have a baby." My eyes are tearing up just remembering that.
I have to sign off for now but more "chapters" are to follow. Blessings
I was raised in a Christ-believing family and one thing that I shared with my family for as long as I can remember is a drive and a passion for music. They say that when I was born, I cried loudly as most babies do. Honestly though, I think it was just a song in clever disguise! Thank heaven that my style of "singing" was soon to change.
When I was growing up, I was an independent child from the get go with an incredibly stubborn nature. God knew I would need it, I guess. My parents loved me, my sisters and I loved and hated each other equally. I have many good memories of my childhood, and some very unfortunate, sad ones as well. But, no matter what, I loved to laugh. Through some of the painful things that I remember from my little girl years, I also remember telling myself often that if I could just laugh, I would be okay. If I could say something funny to make someone else laugh, than that would be a very good thing. The funnier the better, the more laughing the better. If I could keep finding something to laugh about, than one day it would all be alright. It became my survival technique through many situations, but it also hid painful things from the view of eyes that I didn't trust. This habit served me well to hide many true feelings as I navigated through the rough waters of teenage life. It has also been my cover in my adult life. I mean, who's going to think that anything is wrong if you just look happy enough?
Don't get me wrong, laughter is excellent medicine for the wounded soul and I have been fortunate enough to often be able to see the funny side of something even if I am in the middle of a rolling storm. It is when you take a good thing to cover things that you should be dealing with that it becomes a problem.
I am the oldest of 4 children, and we are an interesting bunch, I will tell you that! I have 2 younger sisters and a little brother. We all adore each other, and we have been each other's lifeline more than once. I have inherited my father's innate ability to talk forever without stopping, or as my sisters call it, "preaching." My little brother is 15 years younger than I am, but we are just crazy about each other. Just today he showed my his play cell phone, and as soon as you flip it open, there's my picture surrounded with a heart. I teach him French, Spanish, how to eat new things, how to love, and in return that precious child teaches me about life. He's only 8, and most of the time, he's just that. Than other times, out of the blue, he just blows my mind with his wisdom and faith. I remember one day after we had been married about a year, he came up to me and asked me we didn't have any babies. I had learned during that year the true extent of my fertility issues and my heart just broke when he asked me that. I sat down with him, and told him that I didn't know why I didn't have babies but that if he wanted to help he could pray that a baby would find it's way to us. My mother says that he prayed every night till I became pregnant this past summer. However, the day he learned that our baby had gone to Heaven, he was back at it again. Asking God to "please let Gloria and Nathan have a baby." My eyes are tearing up just remembering that.
I have to sign off for now but more "chapters" are to follow. Blessings
First Attempt....
This is my first attempt at blogging, and I'm not even a huge fan of writing. Speaking is one thing, but when I actually sit down to write, it seems my creativity simply grinds to a halt.
My husband, Nathan and I have been talking a lot about being transparent and what that might look like. We have been together for nearly 5 years now and married for 3.
The journey that Nathan and I have walked together in our short time as a couple is one with many challenges and heartaches. But in our story, there have also been victories and triumphs. We are finding out that it is hard to have one without the other.
Our most recent experience is the conception and miscarriage of our beautiful little boy, Madison Tate. It is a long story, and I will indeed share it. Piece by piece, as I feel I am able. It is one of those things where a lot of the experience is filled with pain, unnecessary guilt and most of all grief.
The reason that we want to tell our story publicly, is because of the thousands of other parents that have and that are walking the very painful road of infertility, miscarriage or child loss.
Nathan and I have come to recognize the precious individuality of each story and the uniqueness of the grief behind it, but those are not our stories to share. We ache when we hear or read of stories that are similar to ours, because we are aware of the tremendous amounts of heartache within each one. We have found though, that hearing the stories of others brings comfort in the way that we know we are not alone.
Through sharing our story publicly, we understand that it may make us vulnerable to hurtful and insensitive comments. But the far greater outcome is the healing that can come as a result of us opening our hearts and our lives.
Some of the things we will share will be things that we have been able to come to terms with and deal with, other things are very much a work in progress. Child loss is at the top of the list as far as things that can tear a marriage apart, and has been cited as one of the most painful things for a person to endure in their lifetime. Through our story we want to encourage others to hang on..not to give up, and most of all, to find and believe in hope.
Nathan and I will both be posting from time to time, so that you can read an accurate view of both sides to our stories. The mom and the dad side. The husband and the wife side. As we post we hope you will read and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there will come a day when all things will be made right. When all tears will be dried. When we never, EVER, have to say goodbye again. Be blessed, Nathan and Gloria
My husband, Nathan and I have been talking a lot about being transparent and what that might look like. We have been together for nearly 5 years now and married for 3.
The journey that Nathan and I have walked together in our short time as a couple is one with many challenges and heartaches. But in our story, there have also been victories and triumphs. We are finding out that it is hard to have one without the other.
Our most recent experience is the conception and miscarriage of our beautiful little boy, Madison Tate. It is a long story, and I will indeed share it. Piece by piece, as I feel I am able. It is one of those things where a lot of the experience is filled with pain, unnecessary guilt and most of all grief.
The reason that we want to tell our story publicly, is because of the thousands of other parents that have and that are walking the very painful road of infertility, miscarriage or child loss.
Nathan and I have come to recognize the precious individuality of each story and the uniqueness of the grief behind it, but those are not our stories to share. We ache when we hear or read of stories that are similar to ours, because we are aware of the tremendous amounts of heartache within each one. We have found though, that hearing the stories of others brings comfort in the way that we know we are not alone.
Through sharing our story publicly, we understand that it may make us vulnerable to hurtful and insensitive comments. But the far greater outcome is the healing that can come as a result of us opening our hearts and our lives.
Some of the things we will share will be things that we have been able to come to terms with and deal with, other things are very much a work in progress. Child loss is at the top of the list as far as things that can tear a marriage apart, and has been cited as one of the most painful things for a person to endure in their lifetime. Through our story we want to encourage others to hang on..not to give up, and most of all, to find and believe in hope.
Nathan and I will both be posting from time to time, so that you can read an accurate view of both sides to our stories. The mom and the dad side. The husband and the wife side. As we post we hope you will read and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there will come a day when all things will be made right. When all tears will be dried. When we never, EVER, have to say goodbye again. Be blessed, Nathan and Gloria
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