Life after...Surgery #1

July 2006 I came home to heal and recover from my first surgery. The doctor's news hadn't been all bad, he figured there was nothing significant enough to keep me from conceiving as long as I would get pregnant fairly soon.
So after some months went by with no results,I started to wonder if there wasn't another problem elsewhere. Even though we had only been trying for 6 months, my family doctor agreed to run a batch of tests for me to see if anything else was wrong. Dr. Bessie also decided it would be beneficial to run some blood work for Nathan as well. I asked Nathan to come to the follow up appointment with me because I was just so sure that the news wouldn't be good. I don't know if it was just my high anxiety levels talking or if maybe God was trying to prepare me. Perhaps it was a little of both.
We sat in the doctor's office that day with me holding Nathan's hand so tightly that I'm sure there was no circulation left and he left with nail marks in his palm as proof of my distress. Dr.Bessie came in and was her kind usual self. I held my breath as she went through Nathan's results first, telling him that thing after thing looked fine.
I will never forget when she turned to look at me, and said quietly, "Gloria, I'm afraid that your tests show that you're not ovulating at all. Your progesterone levels are nearly zero." In order to be considered as having ovulated, the levels in a progesterone test need to 13 or higher. Mine was at a two.
The news felt like I had literally smashed into a brick wall, with almost no air left in my body to draw strength from. I tried to absorb the news, that awful feeling of guilt coming over me again and again. Everything was my fault! It was MY fault that I wasn't pregnant yet! Which sins was God punishing me for? Which one of the many had finally tipped God off that I didn't deserve a child? Would Nathan still want to stay with me if I couldn't have a child for him? Would he still love me? I hated myself already, surely he would disgusted at my improperly functioning body.
The doctor told us that we should consider trying Clomid. An ovulation inducing drug that would stimulate my ovaries and very possibly draw out more than one egg at a time. She warned me of the side effects, but said it had helped a good deal of people get pregnant, with a high success rate.
I left her office devastated, as it seemed that my hope of becoming a mother was growing more and more faint. I cried for hours with Nathan and his mother trying in vain to comfort me. Besides, we were all sad about the latest news, I'm not sure that any of us really felt up to comforting the other. I screamed questions to God, not caring how loud I was or who heard me. I couldn't believe it anymore, my worst nightmare was beginning to be an actual reality.
A fertility drug? That meant that technically I was deemed as an infertile woman, unable to have a baby. The word infertile by itself is a cruel word. It wreaks havoc at the very deepest core of a woman's heart, telling her that she is worthless and not a true woman. I have been left out of things, been told I wasn't allowed to attend certain events because I wasn't a mother.
I have endured countless pregnancy and birth announcements only to feel like a failure all over again. I have watched a new mother cradle her newborn, unable to tear my eyes away while tears streamed down my face as I wrestled with anger, bitterness and jealousy, fear and doubt.
My tears are falling fast now as I recount these painful memories and the hundreds of hurtful, insensitive comments given by well and unwell meaning people alike. I have had people say that if they had to live my life, they'd rather be dead, or that unlike me, they were VERY fertile and could have a million babies if THEY wanted too. I have sat as people looked at me with disgust when I tell them that after nearly 4 years of marriage I still have no children in my arms. They think I love my career and money over babies. Oh,if only they knew the deep, deep pain that their words strike in my heart.
I have questioned my abilities to mother. Maybe God knew that I wouldn't be a good mother, and thats why He didn't allow me to have babies. Maybe I hadn't been a good enough wife to Nathan. Maybe I hadn't been a good enough example to my siblings, or a good enough friend to those around me. Maybe I just wasn't good enough. In any way. Some of these thoughts come back to my mind even to this day.
After we decided that I would take the fertility medication, everything seemed a bit more hopeful again. Surely after a few months this would work, and this nightmare could be over.
I took the pills as described and went through nearly every listed side effect and then some. Hot flashes every few minutes, emotional upheaval, severe uterine cramping and the list goes on. But, I was ok with that. By this time I had decided I would do whatever it took to have a baby. It would be my number one priority and I would make becoming a mommy my main purpose in life. By now, my heart and body literally ached to have a baby, and there was nothing I wouldn't do. There was no ocean I wouldn't cross. There was no mountain I wouldn't climb, and there was no valley I wouldn't go through.