Friday, November 20, 2009
Odd Dr. (Nathan)
I found the new gyne to be a bit weird, to say the least. He always looked a bit like a clown with the weird hair and he looked a bit frazzled. But he seemed to know what he was talking about. We went to see him a couple of times and I don't quite remember what was all said, but he was always to the point. In no time at all, or so it seemed, he wanted to cauterize the endo in Gloria. This some how didn't strike me as something normal to do but he was insistent that this would help. I remember after the surgery that it took Gloria a lot longer to recover and it hurt more than the first time. The first surgery, Gloria was hungry right after leaving the hospital. This time she hardly felt well enough to eat. But we waited and hoped it would help. I can remember at this time I felt guilty for leaving Gloria at home to fend for herself as I went off to work. I had Gloria's family and my family help in what ever way they could. I think Lavina even stayed a couple of days. I knew I couldn't do it all on my own. I came home for lunches to help and did everything in my power to make it right. I realize now, that for many years Gloria and I have been in survival mode. Working hard to accomplish our goals and dreams. This mode has continued for many years. We buckle down, and I encourage Gloria and we keep going. But as of recently, I have been finding we are having to fight less and working together more. We are changing, that or our survival techniques are changing. But either way, I found out that I need to change some of my ways of thinking, some of my thought patterns. I need to remember to keep encouraging, I need to keep being romantic, and keep on the ball or it will fall. It's when we least expect it that something tries to ruin what we have. I think I have forgotten some of this. I want to be a better husband and strive to make my wife feel desired, cared for, and deeply and truly loved. I am trying hard to find out how to do this. Not to become lazy in marriage and to keep Gloria on her toes, not sure how I will surprise her next with a bundle of my love. So I think I will go now and find some ways to to this. :)
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Mistake
I had decided to start the Clomid with high hopes that this would be the thing that would bring us the baby that we so badly wanted by now. I was pretty nervous about the medication, and the results I was hoping it would bring. The Clomid was started and I anxiously awaited the sure fire side effects. After about 36 hours on the drug, intense hot flashes started kicking in, followed by an intense pain on my lower left side. It felt like my ovaries were certainly doing something, and that was a good thing in my mind. Every night for 5 nights I would take one more pill,which would hopefully kickstart my system and make me ovulate.
The drugs made me feel more and more miserable. The hot flashes, the intense emotional roller coaster amongst others seemed to be more than I could handle most days. Finally, it was time for another blood test to see if the medication was working. I went to my doctor, who was very happy to report to me that I had indeed ovulated and my progesterone levels were at a good level. We were happy, the doc was happy, all we could do was wait and see.
Around day 24 of my cycle, I started feeling nausea and my tummy was bloating at an incredible rate. I was very uncomfortable, but hopeful that maybe I was pregnant. I was actually happy with my symptoms, because they stayed with me 24/7. My tummy looked 3 months pregnant almost instantly and my nausea hit a new note of annoying. The end of my cycle came and by then I was incredibly miserable. I remember that this fell over a weekend, and Saturday and Sunday I just laid in bed all day with my Gravol beside me. I was so nauseated by this point I didn't know where to leave myself. I took tiny bits of Gravol hoping it would help, but not wanting to take too much in case this nausea was a result of a pregnancy.
By Monday, early in the morning, after being nauseated out of my mind for 48 hours straight, I told Nathan that I couldn't take it anymore. He called his work place and told them he wouldn't be in, he was taking me to the ER. My stomach was huge, and I could hardly walk, I felt so incredibly sick.
Over the weekend, I had convinced myself that if I could just throw up, my nausea would be better. But no, no relief had come in any form.
Nathan guided me out to the car and every second I felt worse and worse. Our hospital is a mere 10 minutes away if that. By the time we got to the first set of lights, I finally threw up and thought I would feel better. Wrong. Very wrong. After I threw up, my lower left side began to throb with a searing pain that I had never before felt in my entire life. I doubled over in the car, unable to straighten up from the pain and the nausea that came right back. It was then that I knew that something was very wrong, and that this was definitely not a normal reaction any longer.
We got to the hospital, and Nathan ran for a wheelchair, as I wasn't able to walk. I was already barely conscious from the pain and Nathan lifted me out of the car and wheeled me inside. I guess I looked as green as I felt, because the gal on duty had my papers ready in an instant. Everything was a blur, the pain was so intense and I couldn't move. My head felt totally detached as the world ebbed and swayed with alarming motion around me. A nurse came to do triage, took one look at me, grabbed my wheelchair and hurried us off to an empty ER room. Immediately I was put into a hospital gown and put on the stretcher bed. I was screaming now from the pain and the doctor was there in 5 minutes or less. He probed my tummy, and I kept screaming. Nathan answered some very quick questions and the doctor ordered an IV line be put in immediately. I hate needles, but I was so scared and in pain at that moment I don't even remember that IV. The doctor, bless his heart, ordered a good mixture of Gravol and morphine to be given right away.
Thankfully, it took the edge off the pain and nausea, and for the first time in 48 hours, I started to relax. An ultrasound was given and even more blood was taken as they tried to figure out what was wrong with me.
It was during the ultrasound that the technician got a funny look on her face. She told me to wait while she went to get the doctor. They came back and looked some more, taking a ton of pictures. I was so groggy from my medication, but I knew something was up. I asked the doctor what was wrong, and he said that my left ovary was huge with many cysts on it that had exploded. This was a serious matter, because if the cysts wouldn't have ruptured when they did, my whole ovary could have been lost. We also found out later that it had been a close call, and that my ovary had indeed begun to bleed on the inside. What a close call. We were thankful that even though my ovary wasn't perfect anymore, at least it had been spared.
I was ordered never to take Clomid again. It was to dangerous, even on the lowest dose. When I left the hospital that night, I had a new name to add to my growing list. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This meant that even the lowest dose of Clomid was never going to be an option again. Now what? If that didn't work, what would?
I was transferred to a new gynecologist, that was practicing in our home town and the wait time was only two weeks to get in. After an exam, the gyne ordered strict bed rest for 3 weeks. My ovary was not healing well, it was still extremely swollen and the gyne was concerned that activity could still bring it to the bursting point. So, there I was, flat in bed, only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and to get something to drink. It felt so stupid, being in bed with no pregnancy, no nothing. My body was exhausted from the fight with my ovaries, and I was emotionally finished. My big hope, my lifeline to a baby had been taken away.
This was only the beginning of a very long road to come.
The drugs made me feel more and more miserable. The hot flashes, the intense emotional roller coaster amongst others seemed to be more than I could handle most days. Finally, it was time for another blood test to see if the medication was working. I went to my doctor, who was very happy to report to me that I had indeed ovulated and my progesterone levels were at a good level. We were happy, the doc was happy, all we could do was wait and see.
Around day 24 of my cycle, I started feeling nausea and my tummy was bloating at an incredible rate. I was very uncomfortable, but hopeful that maybe I was pregnant. I was actually happy with my symptoms, because they stayed with me 24/7. My tummy looked 3 months pregnant almost instantly and my nausea hit a new note of annoying. The end of my cycle came and by then I was incredibly miserable. I remember that this fell over a weekend, and Saturday and Sunday I just laid in bed all day with my Gravol beside me. I was so nauseated by this point I didn't know where to leave myself. I took tiny bits of Gravol hoping it would help, but not wanting to take too much in case this nausea was a result of a pregnancy.
By Monday, early in the morning, after being nauseated out of my mind for 48 hours straight, I told Nathan that I couldn't take it anymore. He called his work place and told them he wouldn't be in, he was taking me to the ER. My stomach was huge, and I could hardly walk, I felt so incredibly sick.
Over the weekend, I had convinced myself that if I could just throw up, my nausea would be better. But no, no relief had come in any form.
Nathan guided me out to the car and every second I felt worse and worse. Our hospital is a mere 10 minutes away if that. By the time we got to the first set of lights, I finally threw up and thought I would feel better. Wrong. Very wrong. After I threw up, my lower left side began to throb with a searing pain that I had never before felt in my entire life. I doubled over in the car, unable to straighten up from the pain and the nausea that came right back. It was then that I knew that something was very wrong, and that this was definitely not a normal reaction any longer.
We got to the hospital, and Nathan ran for a wheelchair, as I wasn't able to walk. I was already barely conscious from the pain and Nathan lifted me out of the car and wheeled me inside. I guess I looked as green as I felt, because the gal on duty had my papers ready in an instant. Everything was a blur, the pain was so intense and I couldn't move. My head felt totally detached as the world ebbed and swayed with alarming motion around me. A nurse came to do triage, took one look at me, grabbed my wheelchair and hurried us off to an empty ER room. Immediately I was put into a hospital gown and put on the stretcher bed. I was screaming now from the pain and the doctor was there in 5 minutes or less. He probed my tummy, and I kept screaming. Nathan answered some very quick questions and the doctor ordered an IV line be put in immediately. I hate needles, but I was so scared and in pain at that moment I don't even remember that IV. The doctor, bless his heart, ordered a good mixture of Gravol and morphine to be given right away.
Thankfully, it took the edge off the pain and nausea, and for the first time in 48 hours, I started to relax. An ultrasound was given and even more blood was taken as they tried to figure out what was wrong with me.
It was during the ultrasound that the technician got a funny look on her face. She told me to wait while she went to get the doctor. They came back and looked some more, taking a ton of pictures. I was so groggy from my medication, but I knew something was up. I asked the doctor what was wrong, and he said that my left ovary was huge with many cysts on it that had exploded. This was a serious matter, because if the cysts wouldn't have ruptured when they did, my whole ovary could have been lost. We also found out later that it had been a close call, and that my ovary had indeed begun to bleed on the inside. What a close call. We were thankful that even though my ovary wasn't perfect anymore, at least it had been spared.
I was ordered never to take Clomid again. It was to dangerous, even on the lowest dose. When I left the hospital that night, I had a new name to add to my growing list. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. This meant that even the lowest dose of Clomid was never going to be an option again. Now what? If that didn't work, what would?
I was transferred to a new gynecologist, that was practicing in our home town and the wait time was only two weeks to get in. After an exam, the gyne ordered strict bed rest for 3 weeks. My ovary was not healing well, it was still extremely swollen and the gyne was concerned that activity could still bring it to the bursting point. So, there I was, flat in bed, only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom and to get something to drink. It felt so stupid, being in bed with no pregnancy, no nothing. My body was exhausted from the fight with my ovaries, and I was emotionally finished. My big hope, my lifeline to a baby had been taken away.
This was only the beginning of a very long road to come.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Life after...Surgery #1
July 2006 I came home to heal and recover from my first surgery. The doctor's news hadn't been all bad, he figured there was nothing significant enough to keep me from conceiving as long as I would get pregnant fairly soon.
So after some months went by with no results,I started to wonder if there wasn't another problem elsewhere. Even though we had only been trying for 6 months, my family doctor agreed to run a batch of tests for me to see if anything else was wrong. Dr. Bessie also decided it would be beneficial to run some blood work for Nathan as well. I asked Nathan to come to the follow up appointment with me because I was just so sure that the news wouldn't be good. I don't know if it was just my high anxiety levels talking or if maybe God was trying to prepare me. Perhaps it was a little of both.
We sat in the doctor's office that day with me holding Nathan's hand so tightly that I'm sure there was no circulation left and he left with nail marks in his palm as proof of my distress. Dr.Bessie came in and was her kind usual self. I held my breath as she went through Nathan's results first, telling him that thing after thing looked fine.
I will never forget when she turned to look at me, and said quietly, "Gloria, I'm afraid that your tests show that you're not ovulating at all. Your progesterone levels are nearly zero." In order to be considered as having ovulated, the levels in a progesterone test need to 13 or higher. Mine was at a two.
The news felt like I had literally smashed into a brick wall, with almost no air left in my body to draw strength from. I tried to absorb the news, that awful feeling of guilt coming over me again and again. Everything was my fault! It was MY fault that I wasn't pregnant yet! Which sins was God punishing me for? Which one of the many had finally tipped God off that I didn't deserve a child? Would Nathan still want to stay with me if I couldn't have a child for him? Would he still love me? I hated myself already, surely he would disgusted at my improperly functioning body.
The doctor told us that we should consider trying Clomid. An ovulation inducing drug that would stimulate my ovaries and very possibly draw out more than one egg at a time. She warned me of the side effects, but said it had helped a good deal of people get pregnant, with a high success rate.
I left her office devastated, as it seemed that my hope of becoming a mother was growing more and more faint. I cried for hours with Nathan and his mother trying in vain to comfort me. Besides, we were all sad about the latest news, I'm not sure that any of us really felt up to comforting the other. I screamed questions to God, not caring how loud I was or who heard me. I couldn't believe it anymore, my worst nightmare was beginning to be an actual reality.
A fertility drug? That meant that technically I was deemed as an infertile woman, unable to have a baby. The word infertile by itself is a cruel word. It wreaks havoc at the very deepest core of a woman's heart, telling her that she is worthless and not a true woman. I have been left out of things, been told I wasn't allowed to attend certain events because I wasn't a mother.
I have endured countless pregnancy and birth announcements only to feel like a failure all over again. I have watched a new mother cradle her newborn, unable to tear my eyes away while tears streamed down my face as I wrestled with anger, bitterness and jealousy, fear and doubt.
My tears are falling fast now as I recount these painful memories and the hundreds of hurtful, insensitive comments given by well and unwell meaning people alike. I have had people say that if they had to live my life, they'd rather be dead, or that unlike me, they were VERY fertile and could have a million babies if THEY wanted too. I have sat as people looked at me with disgust when I tell them that after nearly 4 years of marriage I still have no children in my arms. They think I love my career and money over babies. Oh,if only they knew the deep, deep pain that their words strike in my heart.
I have questioned my abilities to mother. Maybe God knew that I wouldn't be a good mother, and thats why He didn't allow me to have babies. Maybe I hadn't been a good enough wife to Nathan. Maybe I hadn't been a good enough example to my siblings, or a good enough friend to those around me. Maybe I just wasn't good enough. In any way. Some of these thoughts come back to my mind even to this day.
After we decided that I would take the fertility medication, everything seemed a bit more hopeful again. Surely after a few months this would work, and this nightmare could be over.
I took the pills as described and went through nearly every listed side effect and then some. Hot flashes every few minutes, emotional upheaval, severe uterine cramping and the list goes on. But, I was ok with that. By this time I had decided I would do whatever it took to have a baby. It would be my number one priority and I would make becoming a mommy my main purpose in life. By now, my heart and body literally ached to have a baby, and there was nothing I wouldn't do. There was no ocean I wouldn't cross. There was no mountain I wouldn't climb, and there was no valley I wouldn't go through.
So after some months went by with no results,I started to wonder if there wasn't another problem elsewhere. Even though we had only been trying for 6 months, my family doctor agreed to run a batch of tests for me to see if anything else was wrong. Dr. Bessie also decided it would be beneficial to run some blood work for Nathan as well. I asked Nathan to come to the follow up appointment with me because I was just so sure that the news wouldn't be good. I don't know if it was just my high anxiety levels talking or if maybe God was trying to prepare me. Perhaps it was a little of both.
We sat in the doctor's office that day with me holding Nathan's hand so tightly that I'm sure there was no circulation left and he left with nail marks in his palm as proof of my distress. Dr.Bessie came in and was her kind usual self. I held my breath as she went through Nathan's results first, telling him that thing after thing looked fine.
I will never forget when she turned to look at me, and said quietly, "Gloria, I'm afraid that your tests show that you're not ovulating at all. Your progesterone levels are nearly zero." In order to be considered as having ovulated, the levels in a progesterone test need to 13 or higher. Mine was at a two.
The news felt like I had literally smashed into a brick wall, with almost no air left in my body to draw strength from. I tried to absorb the news, that awful feeling of guilt coming over me again and again. Everything was my fault! It was MY fault that I wasn't pregnant yet! Which sins was God punishing me for? Which one of the many had finally tipped God off that I didn't deserve a child? Would Nathan still want to stay with me if I couldn't have a child for him? Would he still love me? I hated myself already, surely he would disgusted at my improperly functioning body.
The doctor told us that we should consider trying Clomid. An ovulation inducing drug that would stimulate my ovaries and very possibly draw out more than one egg at a time. She warned me of the side effects, but said it had helped a good deal of people get pregnant, with a high success rate.
I left her office devastated, as it seemed that my hope of becoming a mother was growing more and more faint. I cried for hours with Nathan and his mother trying in vain to comfort me. Besides, we were all sad about the latest news, I'm not sure that any of us really felt up to comforting the other. I screamed questions to God, not caring how loud I was or who heard me. I couldn't believe it anymore, my worst nightmare was beginning to be an actual reality.
A fertility drug? That meant that technically I was deemed as an infertile woman, unable to have a baby. The word infertile by itself is a cruel word. It wreaks havoc at the very deepest core of a woman's heart, telling her that she is worthless and not a true woman. I have been left out of things, been told I wasn't allowed to attend certain events because I wasn't a mother.
I have endured countless pregnancy and birth announcements only to feel like a failure all over again. I have watched a new mother cradle her newborn, unable to tear my eyes away while tears streamed down my face as I wrestled with anger, bitterness and jealousy, fear and doubt.
My tears are falling fast now as I recount these painful memories and the hundreds of hurtful, insensitive comments given by well and unwell meaning people alike. I have had people say that if they had to live my life, they'd rather be dead, or that unlike me, they were VERY fertile and could have a million babies if THEY wanted too. I have sat as people looked at me with disgust when I tell them that after nearly 4 years of marriage I still have no children in my arms. They think I love my career and money over babies. Oh,if only they knew the deep, deep pain that their words strike in my heart.
I have questioned my abilities to mother. Maybe God knew that I wouldn't be a good mother, and thats why He didn't allow me to have babies. Maybe I hadn't been a good enough wife to Nathan. Maybe I hadn't been a good enough example to my siblings, or a good enough friend to those around me. Maybe I just wasn't good enough. In any way. Some of these thoughts come back to my mind even to this day.
After we decided that I would take the fertility medication, everything seemed a bit more hopeful again. Surely after a few months this would work, and this nightmare could be over.
I took the pills as described and went through nearly every listed side effect and then some. Hot flashes every few minutes, emotional upheaval, severe uterine cramping and the list goes on. But, I was ok with that. By this time I had decided I would do whatever it took to have a baby. It would be my number one priority and I would make becoming a mommy my main purpose in life. By now, my heart and body literally ached to have a baby, and there was nothing I wouldn't do. There was no ocean I wouldn't cross. There was no mountain I wouldn't climb, and there was no valley I wouldn't go through.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Newly Wed (Nathan)
Being young and in love was a dream come true. I think I have mentioned before that this was what I always wanted, to have and to hold, through all the crap and good times. I'm not one to bail on hard times, I will stick it out. I don't have a bunch of friends, but those who are, will testify that I am quite loyal. To my wife I am a trillion times more loyal. And after the honeymoon, there were hard times. I don't know what will define the "hard" times from the easy ones but there were both. I remember the simple things like me telling Gloria that I knew how to make food and we both made food different. We actually disagreed on how to make vegetable soup. Lol. Those days were simple. They also came with some hard times as well. We disagreed on how long we should wait to have children. Gloria had many good reasons for wanting to start early. I on the other hand wanted to wait because I thought we had time. Now I am glad we started early; instead of starting now. Frustrating but true.
I wanted to give my young bride everything: stability, friendship, eternal love, money. To this day the money has still eluded me. I sometimes feel like a failure for not being able to fully support Gloria financially. I wish if we had to she wouldn't have to work, but it's tight, no spare for emergencies.
Giving Gloria everything else came very naturally, and I've always done my best. I've even heard some of Gloria's friends tell her that they would like me to do lessons for other guys. That's funny because I'm not trying to be different or make others mad or jealous, I'm just doing what comes natural.
Those natural instincts have grown and I'm glad I have them. During the times and the procedures that we have gone through, I know being a donkey about things would have brought our relationship nowhere. I know Gloria has really done all the hard work as far as going through the medical "hell" and recovery. I'm the guy that sits and waits, not really knowing what I'm supposed to do and feeling more useless than ever. But when she always comes to, I will do anything. I will run around the world for what ever it is she needs. Still to this day I will do anything for her.
That's enough for now, I'm tired and there is still more hours in the day to go. I'm frustrated and I'm bushed. :) More later.
I wanted to give my young bride everything: stability, friendship, eternal love, money. To this day the money has still eluded me. I sometimes feel like a failure for not being able to fully support Gloria financially. I wish if we had to she wouldn't have to work, but it's tight, no spare for emergencies.
Giving Gloria everything else came very naturally, and I've always done my best. I've even heard some of Gloria's friends tell her that they would like me to do lessons for other guys. That's funny because I'm not trying to be different or make others mad or jealous, I'm just doing what comes natural.
Those natural instincts have grown and I'm glad I have them. During the times and the procedures that we have gone through, I know being a donkey about things would have brought our relationship nowhere. I know Gloria has really done all the hard work as far as going through the medical "hell" and recovery. I'm the guy that sits and waits, not really knowing what I'm supposed to do and feeling more useless than ever. But when she always comes to, I will do anything. I will run around the world for what ever it is she needs. Still to this day I will do anything for her.
That's enough for now, I'm tired and there is still more hours in the day to go. I'm frustrated and I'm bushed. :) More later.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
A New Life and No Money...
I think I left off last talking about our honeymoon. The cabin was beautiful, the food wonderful, and our first married argument was interesting.:) Ironically, it was about future children. That was one issue where Nathan and I couldn't seem to to come to an agreement. His parents had waited 5 years before starting a family, and that thought was appealing to him as well. Why rush into things that we had our whole lives to do? That was Nathan's reasoning.
I wanted children immediately, because I didn't want to waste any time. My fertility was starting to be questioned by my gynecologist, and I didn't want to take any chances. My periods were still incredibly painful, and I didn't want to complicate issues by waiting to have a baby. Besides, if I waited 5 years who knew how much worse things would get and how many fertility drugs/procedures/surgeries I would have to endure.
Nathan and I finally agreed to just not discuss it for six months and I would go on birth control. Besides, right after our honeymoon I was told I would need a surgery to properly assess my situation. All the ultrasounds hadn't showed anything, but yet I kept coming to the ER for pain meds. My gynecologist decided that exploratory surgery was needed to try and find the problem.
So, 2 months after our wedding, I had my first surgery. If I had known all that lay ahead I would have shriveled in a corner and crawled under the bed and simply stayed there for life. I guess it's a good thing that we can't see into our future. We'd shake in our boots!
We went to Winnipeg,MB to the hospital where my gynecologist did his procedures. It was to be a simple procedure with no more than an hour or so in the operating room. I was afraid and Nathan was a little nervous. We had no idea what to expect as far as what the result would be, favorable or not. My biggest fear was that something would be very wrong and my imagination went everywhere. I had wonderful nurses, both for pre and post surgery. I spoke and laughed with them, and told a senior OR nurse how young she looked. I had this funny idea that if I was nice to them, they would take better care of me. :) It's kind of silly, because i myself was working in health care at the time and I could have known that they would take good care of me, no matter what. But, it was a way to distract myself from the panic that I felt building up way down deep inside. It was hard for Nathan to watch strangers take his new bride away into an OR where he couldn't be present and where he felt so helpless. To some, it might seem like no big deal, but for us as newlyweds it seemed like a pretty big hurdle.
I've always hated needles, and if I had known the hundreds of needles that were to come, I just wouldn't have started at all. For surgery,I needed an IV for my anesthesia and that was a scary thing all by itself. Around 4 that afternoon, I finally woke up from my surgery. The surgeon came almost immediately to speak with us. The doctor told us that they had cut several adhesions and that they had found mild endometriosis. This medical jargon was mostly unfamiliar to us, but the doctor was very good at explaining everything and even showing us pictures of their findings. I was still hopped up on morphine, and didn't remember much by the time I got home.
I started to research endometriosis and what it meant, during the 2 weeks that I spent recovering. Even mild endo didn't sound good, and it certainly explained the awful monthly pain. Apparently, mild endo was enough to affect your fertility and throw your whole cycle off course. The good news was that if caught early enough, it sounded like it could be suppressed by using a mild pill form of birth control. Of course, as soon as I would go off the pill, it was just as likely to return. The longer it would take me to get pregnant, the more of a foothold the disease would get. Since, it was determined that I had endo, it was assumed that it would take me quite a bit longer to become pregnant, making the spread of endo almost inevitable. What a vicious cycle this looked like to me.
It scared me, and I started to wonder what I was being punished for. I couldn't believe it, after all, I was only 20 years old and a newlywed. This was supposed to be the best time of my life. Very quickly, my little inkling that I might struggle to conceive became an ultimate reality. My doctor told us to seriously consider starting a family immediately. Reason being that it seemed that pregnancy often seemed to suppress endometriosis permanently, but if left to continue it could render my uterus unable to sustain a pregnancy after a relatively short number of years.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with this disease I would advise you to research it online. There are countless articles on it, and like I said it's hard to explain. I will sign off for now, as I must confess that writing all this down brings back many memories and feelings that I haven't even thought about for a long time. For the sake of my emotions and the fact that I need to fix dinner without the added ingredient of salty tears probably means that this is enough for today. Thank you for reading.
I wanted children immediately, because I didn't want to waste any time. My fertility was starting to be questioned by my gynecologist, and I didn't want to take any chances. My periods were still incredibly painful, and I didn't want to complicate issues by waiting to have a baby. Besides, if I waited 5 years who knew how much worse things would get and how many fertility drugs/procedures/surgeries I would have to endure.
Nathan and I finally agreed to just not discuss it for six months and I would go on birth control. Besides, right after our honeymoon I was told I would need a surgery to properly assess my situation. All the ultrasounds hadn't showed anything, but yet I kept coming to the ER for pain meds. My gynecologist decided that exploratory surgery was needed to try and find the problem.
So, 2 months after our wedding, I had my first surgery. If I had known all that lay ahead I would have shriveled in a corner and crawled under the bed and simply stayed there for life. I guess it's a good thing that we can't see into our future. We'd shake in our boots!
We went to Winnipeg,MB to the hospital where my gynecologist did his procedures. It was to be a simple procedure with no more than an hour or so in the operating room. I was afraid and Nathan was a little nervous. We had no idea what to expect as far as what the result would be, favorable or not. My biggest fear was that something would be very wrong and my imagination went everywhere. I had wonderful nurses, both for pre and post surgery. I spoke and laughed with them, and told a senior OR nurse how young she looked. I had this funny idea that if I was nice to them, they would take better care of me. :) It's kind of silly, because i myself was working in health care at the time and I could have known that they would take good care of me, no matter what. But, it was a way to distract myself from the panic that I felt building up way down deep inside. It was hard for Nathan to watch strangers take his new bride away into an OR where he couldn't be present and where he felt so helpless. To some, it might seem like no big deal, but for us as newlyweds it seemed like a pretty big hurdle.
I've always hated needles, and if I had known the hundreds of needles that were to come, I just wouldn't have started at all. For surgery,I needed an IV for my anesthesia and that was a scary thing all by itself. Around 4 that afternoon, I finally woke up from my surgery. The surgeon came almost immediately to speak with us. The doctor told us that they had cut several adhesions and that they had found mild endometriosis. This medical jargon was mostly unfamiliar to us, but the doctor was very good at explaining everything and even showing us pictures of their findings. I was still hopped up on morphine, and didn't remember much by the time I got home.
I started to research endometriosis and what it meant, during the 2 weeks that I spent recovering. Even mild endo didn't sound good, and it certainly explained the awful monthly pain. Apparently, mild endo was enough to affect your fertility and throw your whole cycle off course. The good news was that if caught early enough, it sounded like it could be suppressed by using a mild pill form of birth control. Of course, as soon as I would go off the pill, it was just as likely to return. The longer it would take me to get pregnant, the more of a foothold the disease would get. Since, it was determined that I had endo, it was assumed that it would take me quite a bit longer to become pregnant, making the spread of endo almost inevitable. What a vicious cycle this looked like to me.
It scared me, and I started to wonder what I was being punished for. I couldn't believe it, after all, I was only 20 years old and a newlywed. This was supposed to be the best time of my life. Very quickly, my little inkling that I might struggle to conceive became an ultimate reality. My doctor told us to seriously consider starting a family immediately. Reason being that it seemed that pregnancy often seemed to suppress endometriosis permanently, but if left to continue it could render my uterus unable to sustain a pregnancy after a relatively short number of years.
For those of you that are unfamiliar with this disease I would advise you to research it online. There are countless articles on it, and like I said it's hard to explain. I will sign off for now, as I must confess that writing all this down brings back many memories and feelings that I haven't even thought about for a long time. For the sake of my emotions and the fact that I need to fix dinner without the added ingredient of salty tears probably means that this is enough for today. Thank you for reading.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Weddings and Things...
This is certainly all dragging out a lot longer than I had expected, but I hope you will be patient and bare with us.
After several meaningful talks between Nathan and myself, we announced our engagement in September 2005. Even though emotionally and physically speaking I was not well a lot of the time, Nathan asked me to marry him anyway. We were thrust into wedding plans and a ten month long engagement that never seemed to end.
Oh what a strange engagement it was, for Nathan especially! I had no idea how to communicate with him properly, for some reason I thought I had no choice but to agree with him on everything. Than I would feel resentment and become incredibly internal for days, till he finally told me "to come out from under the bed" so to speak and talk to him about the things that were bothering me.
While I felt that our engagement was the right thing for me to do, I struggled deeply within myself to be excited and happy about our forthcoming wedding. Since I was an expert at pretending by then, I kept smiling and telling everyone that "yes, it is VERY exciting...yes Nathan IS a wonderful man...Yes, we couldn't be MORE perfect for each other." And on and on and on. I felt a lot of pressure from other areas to be a certain way, I never knew who I really was anymore.
One day....about 2 months before the wedding, I told Nathan that I didn't want to get married after all. I called my mother and told her the wedding was off and that I didn't know what I would do with all the invitations that had already been sent out. Nathan was devastated, but in his calm manner, he took what I said and went for a drive. I remember the worst part for me was seeing the tears in his eyes as he drove away. I felt terrible for hurting him so badly, but I thought this would be the best. To save Nathan from me, and he would thank me later. I hated how he could see through my charades and "tough girl" act. I hated how he could call my bluff and completely see through me when I wouldn't tell him the truth about how I was feeling. AND....I was scared at that point that babies might not be in the cards for me because of what the docs were starting to say. I thought Nathan would be better off with someone that had a perfect little uterus and could give him 20 children if he wanted that.
BUT...I loved the safety and security that seemed to be awaiting me when I was with Nathan. As wonderful as Nathan was, I was waiting for the day when I would have to "pay him back" for all the amazing things that he had been in my life. Oh, that was frustrating for Nathan, to have to reassure me every single time that he did something for me that he wasn't out for anything except to win my love. His patience and persistent nudging that we were meant to be did win out in the end and the wedding date remained.
Often, we talk about the groom being the one with the cold feet on their wedding day, not at this wedding! I went through all the motions of getting ready that morning, May 6,2006. Every few minutes I was having second thoughts and all I wanted to do was run away and hide. Rehearsal had been hard, I dragged myself down the aisle and fled as soon as it was over and collapsed in tears on the front porch of the beautiful building.
We did have a beautiful wedding though, with 200 family and friends in attendance. People told me I was beautiful and that I was a lucky girl. Blessings and kind words were heaped on our heads. Hugs and kisses all around. It was a party in the true sense of the word, and it was a lovely spring day.
My siblings cried when I left in the limo that evening with Nathan, we were all so incredibly attached to each other and I think we still are. The funny thing is, that whole day, I didn't shed a single tear. Everything felt like it was just speeding by and I was just going along with it. Although I knew that marrying Nathan was the right thing for us, I just couldn't feel anywhere that it was the right thing for us. Such is a classic symptom of depression and I came to recognize it as such.
We had a beautiful honeymoon and the funniest thing of all was, around the third or fourth day, we were both miserable because we missed our families! We looked at each other and couldn't believe how homesick we were! Nathan and I both expressed our feeling of being homesick and when it was out in the open everything was fine. It was the first of a thousand conversations that I would learn to be honest about my emotions to Nathan.
After several meaningful talks between Nathan and myself, we announced our engagement in September 2005. Even though emotionally and physically speaking I was not well a lot of the time, Nathan asked me to marry him anyway. We were thrust into wedding plans and a ten month long engagement that never seemed to end.
Oh what a strange engagement it was, for Nathan especially! I had no idea how to communicate with him properly, for some reason I thought I had no choice but to agree with him on everything. Than I would feel resentment and become incredibly internal for days, till he finally told me "to come out from under the bed" so to speak and talk to him about the things that were bothering me.
While I felt that our engagement was the right thing for me to do, I struggled deeply within myself to be excited and happy about our forthcoming wedding. Since I was an expert at pretending by then, I kept smiling and telling everyone that "yes, it is VERY exciting...yes Nathan IS a wonderful man...Yes, we couldn't be MORE perfect for each other." And on and on and on. I felt a lot of pressure from other areas to be a certain way, I never knew who I really was anymore.
One day....about 2 months before the wedding, I told Nathan that I didn't want to get married after all. I called my mother and told her the wedding was off and that I didn't know what I would do with all the invitations that had already been sent out. Nathan was devastated, but in his calm manner, he took what I said and went for a drive. I remember the worst part for me was seeing the tears in his eyes as he drove away. I felt terrible for hurting him so badly, but I thought this would be the best. To save Nathan from me, and he would thank me later. I hated how he could see through my charades and "tough girl" act. I hated how he could call my bluff and completely see through me when I wouldn't tell him the truth about how I was feeling. AND....I was scared at that point that babies might not be in the cards for me because of what the docs were starting to say. I thought Nathan would be better off with someone that had a perfect little uterus and could give him 20 children if he wanted that.
BUT...I loved the safety and security that seemed to be awaiting me when I was with Nathan. As wonderful as Nathan was, I was waiting for the day when I would have to "pay him back" for all the amazing things that he had been in my life. Oh, that was frustrating for Nathan, to have to reassure me every single time that he did something for me that he wasn't out for anything except to win my love. His patience and persistent nudging that we were meant to be did win out in the end and the wedding date remained.
Often, we talk about the groom being the one with the cold feet on their wedding day, not at this wedding! I went through all the motions of getting ready that morning, May 6,2006. Every few minutes I was having second thoughts and all I wanted to do was run away and hide. Rehearsal had been hard, I dragged myself down the aisle and fled as soon as it was over and collapsed in tears on the front porch of the beautiful building.
We did have a beautiful wedding though, with 200 family and friends in attendance. People told me I was beautiful and that I was a lucky girl. Blessings and kind words were heaped on our heads. Hugs and kisses all around. It was a party in the true sense of the word, and it was a lovely spring day.
My siblings cried when I left in the limo that evening with Nathan, we were all so incredibly attached to each other and I think we still are. The funny thing is, that whole day, I didn't shed a single tear. Everything felt like it was just speeding by and I was just going along with it. Although I knew that marrying Nathan was the right thing for us, I just couldn't feel anywhere that it was the right thing for us. Such is a classic symptom of depression and I came to recognize it as such.
We had a beautiful honeymoon and the funniest thing of all was, around the third or fourth day, we were both miserable because we missed our families! We looked at each other and couldn't believe how homesick we were! Nathan and I both expressed our feeling of being homesick and when it was out in the open everything was fine. It was the first of a thousand conversations that I would learn to be honest about my emotions to Nathan.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Falling in Love (Nathan)
Falling in love was a dream come true. I believe that Gloria and I are together for a reason and not just by chance.
I have never really dated anyone before Gloria, I had a bunch of friends that were girls and we hung out a lot. But never anything official. I had some very good friends and we did have some one on one time and maybe some would call that a date, but I wouldn't. And I had never kissed a girl.
The day I met Gloria was a day that was like many others. Me and a friend were hanging out and we went to go meet one of her friends that worked at Thornview. Gloria was wearing her work uniform and her hair was long and curly (down to the middle of her back). She wasn't wearing any makeup, and she was very pretty. We exchanged the regular "Hey" and shook hands. Her hands were small and delicate, especially for being a farm girl. This happened in the summer.
Come fall, I found out that Gloria was also attending the same youth group I was. The Glencross church was not my home church but because the church was so close and I had a ton of friends there; that's where I went. Gloria and I for some odd reason connected well, on a good friend basis. I was surprised, because she was a beautiful girl and knew how to dress. I'm positive that if she would have been in public school she would have been in the popular crowd. Still she and I became best of friends. We confided in each other, keeping each other accountable and talking about many things from boy/girl friends to God stuff. Just to keep people guessing, Gloria and I loved to flirt. We had so much fun flirting. I helped her put on her jacket (the gorgeous bomber jacket), helped her with her truck, and put my arm around her. Even our first date was for fun. Too bad I never got a kiss out of that (lol). Like I mentioned, we were the best of friends and I never thought of Gloria as more than my best friend.
That is when it hit me, how stunning she was. It was like a Wednesday or Thursday evening, I think, and I get a call from Gloria. She begins to inform me that one of her close friends backed out of going to this ceremony and she wanted to have some close people there! Her parents happened to be working that evening so she was pretty much alone. I asked if anyone else was going and she said there would be another girl going and I thought there couldn't be much better than dressing up and going to a party with a couple of girls. Gloria pulls up to the house in her pick up truck and she tells me she wants me to drive. Her dress was getting in the way. She steps out and POW... she is drop dead gorgeous. I didn't even know if anyone else existed. She wore a beautiful open backed princess dress. We drove to Winnipeg and she was stunning. I was so proud of her finishing college, there were a lot of picture that the other girl and I took pictures of. After the ceremony there was supposed to be a reception that the college was putting on. We were disgusted. They had bite sized sandwichthssss (Honey that one is for you). We wanted a good meal to enjoy. So we went outside and decided to take some grad pictures. The other girl took them and we posed. As we found out later when my parents saw those pictures they knew we'd get together. After an array of beautiful shots we all went for supper at the Olive Garden. We had lots of laughs and filled our bellies. To have a little more fun we decided to drive down to Coreydon ave and walk around there for a bit. The walk was eventful and we had so much fun. We ended up dancing under the stars and wow! The drive home was filled with singing and laughing and holding hands. I was ecstatic and loved the way Gloria makes me feel.
What a night!
Followed by many days of being twitterpated. I was starry eyed and walked with my feet off the ground. It even came to the point where I braved asking my best friend to court me. Lucky for me she gave me a chance. It all happened one cold and rainy weekend when Gloria needed a ride home from a music festival. I gladly drove to pick her up and we went for a couple of hot chocolates. We were talking and she squeesed it out of me that I had romantic feelings for her. Which was promptly followed by her giving me a book to fend me off. Over the weekend I waited for her answer and she sought council from God and respected people. Like I said it was meant to be.
The dates/courtship/engagement I'll leave for Gloria to express. I've probably written too much already... lol oh well.
Gloria is my passion so that is what I'm best at writing about. :) Lucky me.
I have never really dated anyone before Gloria, I had a bunch of friends that were girls and we hung out a lot. But never anything official. I had some very good friends and we did have some one on one time and maybe some would call that a date, but I wouldn't. And I had never kissed a girl.
The day I met Gloria was a day that was like many others. Me and a friend were hanging out and we went to go meet one of her friends that worked at Thornview. Gloria was wearing her work uniform and her hair was long and curly (down to the middle of her back). She wasn't wearing any makeup, and she was very pretty. We exchanged the regular "Hey" and shook hands. Her hands were small and delicate, especially for being a farm girl. This happened in the summer.
Come fall, I found out that Gloria was also attending the same youth group I was. The Glencross church was not my home church but because the church was so close and I had a ton of friends there; that's where I went. Gloria and I for some odd reason connected well, on a good friend basis. I was surprised, because she was a beautiful girl and knew how to dress. I'm positive that if she would have been in public school she would have been in the popular crowd. Still she and I became best of friends. We confided in each other, keeping each other accountable and talking about many things from boy/girl friends to God stuff. Just to keep people guessing, Gloria and I loved to flirt. We had so much fun flirting. I helped her put on her jacket (the gorgeous bomber jacket), helped her with her truck, and put my arm around her. Even our first date was for fun. Too bad I never got a kiss out of that (lol). Like I mentioned, we were the best of friends and I never thought of Gloria as more than my best friend.
That is when it hit me, how stunning she was. It was like a Wednesday or Thursday evening, I think, and I get a call from Gloria. She begins to inform me that one of her close friends backed out of going to this ceremony and she wanted to have some close people there! Her parents happened to be working that evening so she was pretty much alone. I asked if anyone else was going and she said there would be another girl going and I thought there couldn't be much better than dressing up and going to a party with a couple of girls. Gloria pulls up to the house in her pick up truck and she tells me she wants me to drive. Her dress was getting in the way. She steps out and POW... she is drop dead gorgeous. I didn't even know if anyone else existed. She wore a beautiful open backed princess dress. We drove to Winnipeg and she was stunning. I was so proud of her finishing college, there were a lot of picture that the other girl and I took pictures of. After the ceremony there was supposed to be a reception that the college was putting on. We were disgusted. They had bite sized sandwichthssss (Honey that one is for you). We wanted a good meal to enjoy. So we went outside and decided to take some grad pictures. The other girl took them and we posed. As we found out later when my parents saw those pictures they knew we'd get together. After an array of beautiful shots we all went for supper at the Olive Garden. We had lots of laughs and filled our bellies. To have a little more fun we decided to drive down to Coreydon ave and walk around there for a bit. The walk was eventful and we had so much fun. We ended up dancing under the stars and wow! The drive home was filled with singing and laughing and holding hands. I was ecstatic and loved the way Gloria makes me feel.
What a night!
Followed by many days of being twitterpated. I was starry eyed and walked with my feet off the ground. It even came to the point where I braved asking my best friend to court me. Lucky for me she gave me a chance. It all happened one cold and rainy weekend when Gloria needed a ride home from a music festival. I gladly drove to pick her up and we went for a couple of hot chocolates. We were talking and she squeesed it out of me that I had romantic feelings for her. Which was promptly followed by her giving me a book to fend me off. Over the weekend I waited for her answer and she sought council from God and respected people. Like I said it was meant to be.
The dates/courtship/engagement I'll leave for Gloria to express. I've probably written too much already... lol oh well.
Gloria is my passion so that is what I'm best at writing about. :) Lucky me.
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